Wednesday, May 27, 2009

American Patriot's Study Bible

No, this is not a hoax.

We all know how this country's forefathers founded a Christian nation that guaranteed freedom and equality for white males. And now we can read about the unexplored parallels between the Word of God and American history in a handy parallel commentary that explains God's approval of Manifest Destiny right alongside the blessed Word. Did you know, for example, that a biblical prophecy ("I will take away the chariots from Ephraim and the war-horses from Jerusalem, and the battle bow will be broken. He will proclaim peace to the nations. His rule will extend from sea to sea and from the River to the ends of the earth" -- Zechariah 9:10) was fulfilled in the person of one Christopher Columbus, who was predestined by God to bring the gospel to an unreached people group (i.e., the Native Americans who, Lord bless 'em, had to put up with a little raping, pillaging, murder and enslavement as part of the good news of salvation). Praise God.

This thing will probably fly off the shelves faster than a new shipment of ammo in a neighborhood in racial transition. Kudos to Thomas Nelson Publishers for having the virile, sanctified American balls to finally publish the Truth. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if some rival so-called "Christian" publisher comes out with just the opposite, maybe a Pacifist's/Commie's Study Bible (Jesus' words in yellow, social justice passages in Bolshevik Red), or something like that. I'd like to see the cage match between those two once the bookstore closes. My prediction is that the American Patriot's Bible would beat the shit out of the cover of the PC Study Bible, and the PC Study Bible would turn its front cover to its back cover, which would then be bitch-slapped by the American Patriot's Bible.

9 comments:

John McCollum said...

When does the whole "Peace to the nations" thing start?

Chris Slaten said...

Wow.
That reminds me of this article from Harper's:
http://www.harpers.org/archive/2006/12/0081322

Matt Nightingale said...

Yeah. Wow. I've been reading about this on Greg Boyd's blog (http://www.gregboyd.org/blog/). He wrote about it for Christianity Today's "Out of Ur" blog too. (http://blog.christianitytoday.com/outofur/archives/2009/05/book_review_the.html and http://blog.christianitytoday.com/outofur/archives/2009/05/book_review_the_1.html)

themostbrianever said...

"This thing will probably fly off the shelves faster than a new shipment of ammo in a neighborhood in racial transition."

Funny, sad, brilliant.

Peter Niswander said...

Reading the amazon.com reviews for this thing is an exercise in insanity.

Oh, and the Greg Boyd commentary is fantastic.

Andy Whitman said...

This Bible is Exhibit A on why I always answer the question "Are you a Christian?" with "It depends on what you mean."

Brett said...

"By this will everyone know you are my disciples; that you drip with sarcasm towards those of your brothers and sisters who are nowhere near as enlightened as you are."

Andy Whitman said...

You're probably right, Brett. I should probably exhibit sweetness and light toward those who pervert the true meaning of Christianity. That's the way of peace, right? Does truth have anything to do with this, do you think?

caleb Maskell said...

"virile, sanctified American balls"

i have been waiting for that phrase for a long time.

the whirlwind is in the thorn tree....

cjdm