I had a terrible weekend. I had a great weekend. Let me explain. Physically, I had a terrible weekend. I feel like crap. I still don't know what's going on with my prostate/bladder/whatever else may be affected/infected, and I still have that #%$!@ catheter, which still hurts like nothing I've ever quite experienced. I was told by my doctor that I might experience some "discomfort." Does "discomfort" include wincing every two minutes, involuntary grunting in pain every five minutes, and a general feeling of having a razor-sharp knife on the inside of your body? Because that's what it feels like.
So I spent most of Saturday morning in a grunting, depressive funk. I tried praying, and I did, but my prayers quickly devolved from the the highminded and Elizabethan "Oh Lord, let thy servant grow closer to you through mine own suffering" to "Father, if it be your will, taken this cup (or attached bag, if you prefer) away from me" to "Shit, this hurts," and "Help me, help me, help me."
Saturday afternoon and early evening we hosted a marriage mentoring session at our house, with three other couples/marriage mentors discussing intimacy. I started out cynical (Helpful suggestion #1: Avoid a tube in your dick), but ended in a better place. It's hard to stay cynical when you're relating with six people, all of whom have come close to shipwrecking their marriages, and who genuinely desire to help others navigate the treacherous shoals and pointy rocks. It was good. I love these folks, and feel honored to be a part of a bigger calling.
Yesterday morning was church, and I felt like crap. But it was good to worship, to acknowledge that God is good, and in control, even when I don't see it. And I do acknolwedge that. I am so thankful to be a part of a church where we are known, and cared for, and I deeply appreciated the people who prayed for me, who were concerned about how I was doing, and who didn't try to put on a pious front. "That sucks" is a perfectly acceptable response as far as I'm concerned, because it does. But these people do not suck, nor does the church as a whole.
Yesterday evening we had dinner with our friends Tim and Beth, and that was good, and affirming. The Indian food was first rate, the conversation both silly and deadly serious, and it was good to be reminded that there are people who are facing far more serious issues than I am, and that infected bladders/prostates have nothing on Stage 4 cancer.
Life is difficult. It just is. We get brief respites from the gloom, and then we are blindsided by our own inadequacies and incompetence, or by the latest senseless tragedy or health crisis. The good news is that we get to experience these things together. I don't take that for granted. I'm hanging in there.