Sufjan Stevens, Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal

From a review of Sufjan Stevens’ album Seven Swans on amazon.com: “Sufjan Stevens could calm even Chuck Norris down with the sound of his voice.”

Now, this is a fairly audacious claim. Chuck Norris is the most easily excitable man in the universe, and he could kick your sorry butt if he was a quadriplegic, so it would take something far more powerful than Sufjan’s admittedly pleasant voice, something along the lines of half a dozen elephant darts filled with the most powerful sedatives known to man or beast and fired directly into Chuck’s bulging pecs, to calm him down. And even then he could still fend off several Ninjas and/or terrorists if the need arose.

In a more realistic comparison, Sufjan Stevens could almost certainly calm Steven Segal with the sound of his voice.

From Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink Asian Experience web site:

Cold Weather Alert: Due to the cold temperatures of the winter months, customers have been experiencing exploding Bawls. We at Xoxide are very concerned for the safety of our customers and do not wish for their Bawls to freeze. We recommend that if the ambient temperature of your area is at or below freezing, that you refrain from ordering carbonated caffeine beverages during this time. Customers who wish to place orders for these products may do so at their own risk. Neither Xoxide nor UPS will replace, refund, or process any claims for broken Bawls, exploded Rocket Fuel, or any other damaged beverage during this time.

I’ve seen strong, virile men erupt in exploding bawls at Sufjan concerts; overcome with great, heaving sobs as Sufjan sings of John Wayne Gacy Jr. and his friend who died on Casimir Pulaski Day. This seems to be a natural, although heretofore unexplored, connection that Sufjan may want to investigate. The Stevens/Steven connection is almost assuredly a heavenly sign. The whole Sufjan Stevens Energy Drink angle probably merits some attention as well, and may sell particularly briskly in Reformed church youth groups or warmer climates.