Thursday, May 12, 2005

Mr. Darcy Rides to Tattooine

Ever wonder what would happen if Darth Vader appeared in a Jane Austen novel? No? I did. Some people have way too much time on their hands.

Scene 1 (Outside the Skywalker Estate)

Darcy: (hurriedly dismounts, hair disheveled) My fair horse is fully lathered. She must be bedded for the night.

Elizabeth: (disconsolately, under her breath) Aye, would that it were true for me! Alas!

Vader: (emerging from nearby galactic ballroom) Seize him!

Elizabeth: Come, sir, your jesting makes you tiresome. Mr. Darcy has just arrived. He must have refreshments.

Vader: (brandishes light saber, which hums ominously) I said seize him! (Storm troopers emerge from front parlor)

Elizabeth: (steps in front of storm troopers) Stop, shiny white metallic men! Come, let us partake of tea and biscuits that taste like chalk. Surely our differences can be resolved through arcane English rituals.

Vader: (begrudingly) Oh, okay. (To stormtroopers) No more than two scones apiece, or you will feel my wrath!

Scene 2 (In the Tea Garden)

Elizabeth: Don't eat too much, my dearest companions. We don't want to spoil the roast pheasant.

Pad Thai: (somnambulantly) With noodles? Where is my tiara? Where is my prescription?

Yoda: Good this tea is, yes. What call it, do you?

Elizabeth: Constant Comment, my green friend. It is the English way.

Yoda: Like it I do, very much. (Squints eyes, makes furrowed Yoda face, wiggles fingers and levitates teacup in the air). Very light it is, yes.

Elizabeth: (aside) Such a noble, pointy-eared countenance. (To Yoda): Indeed, kind sir. Have you met Mr. Darcy's dear sister, Georgianna ?

Yoda: Met her I have, yes. Most beautiful. She could be Jedi, yes?

Elizabeth: You darling, silly man. Puppet. Whatever. Is that short for Jedediah?

Yoda: Short, yes. Short I am. Green, too. But Jedediah I know not.

Vader: (upturns tea table) Enough of this inane prattle. Seize them all!

Darcy: (rises, incensed, and throws down his glove in front of Vader). How dare you, sir! You make a mockery of human decency and manners! I challenge you to a duel, sabers tomorrow at noon!

Vader: (brandishes light saber, annihilates glove, then cleaves Darcy down the middle). You lose. (Elizabeth shrieks, then faints. General pandemonium ensues.)

Pad Thai: Oh, wow. Has anyone seen my Xanax?

(Curtain falls. Pompous John Williams music signals end of play.)

7 comments:

megan, former blogger, now in hiding said...

Sweet Jesus, what did you DO all day?

Andy Whitman said...

Megan, that was written a while back, over a lunch hour in between bouts of writing sentences about 802.11g wireless Internet protocols. One does what one has to do to stay sane, and that particular day seemed like a good Jane Austen/Star Wars kind of day.

Since I've been participating in a Jane Austen discussion on a mailing list, and since George Lucas is about to drop Episode III on a Roman-numeral loving world, it just seemed like a good time to post my frivolous musings.

megan said...

(a different megan)

That was certainly one of the most amusing things that I've read all day long.

I just found your blog from a link on the FFM site and I'm definitely going to be reading it all of the time from now on.

Joshua said...

you have a sickness.

zalm said...

Out of curiosity, have you read Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair?

Obviously, that's Brontë and not Austen, but anyone who is willing to play this fast and loose with the classics is definitely twisted enough to get a kick out of Mr. Fforde.

Anonymous said...

Wow! With you the Force certainly is. But you are not a Jedi yet.

Joy Coleman said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH Ahhhh that was one of the most hilarious things I've ever read. I like Jane Austen very much and I just saw my first star wars movie....that is beautiful i think we should perform it this fall!!