Ever wonder what would happen if Darth Vader appeared in a Jane Austen novel? No? I did. Some people have way too much time on their hands.
Scene 1 (Outside the Skywalker Estate)
Darcy: (hurriedly dismounts, hair disheveled) My fair horse is fully lathered. She must be bedded for the night.
Elizabeth: (disconsolately, under her breath) Aye, would that it were true for me! Alas!
Vader: (emerging from nearby galactic ballroom) Seize him!
Elizabeth: Come, sir, your jesting makes you tiresome. Mr. Darcy has just arrived. He must have refreshments.
Vader: (brandishes light saber, which hums ominously) I said seize him! (Storm troopers emerge from front parlor)
Elizabeth: (steps in front of storm troopers) Stop, shiny white metallic men! Come, let us partake of tea and biscuits that taste like chalk. Surely our differences can be resolved through arcane English rituals.
Vader: (begrudingly) Oh, okay. (To stormtroopers) No more than two scones apiece, or you will feel my wrath!
Scene 2 (In the Tea Garden)
Elizabeth: Don't eat too much, my dearest companions. We don't want to spoil the roast pheasant.
Pad Thai: (somnambulantly) With noodles? Where is my tiara? Where is my prescription?
Yoda: Good this tea is, yes. What call it, do you?
Elizabeth: Constant Comment, my green friend. It is the English way.
Yoda: Like it I do, very much. (Squints eyes, makes furrowed Yoda face, wiggles fingers and levitates teacup in the air). Very light it is, yes.
Elizabeth: (aside) Such a noble, pointy-eared countenance. (To Yoda): Indeed, kind sir. Have you met Mr. Darcy's dear sister, Georgianna ?
Yoda: Met her I have, yes. Most beautiful. She could be Jedi, yes?
Elizabeth: You darling, silly man. Puppet. Whatever. Is that short for Jedediah?
Yoda: Short, yes. Short I am. Green, too. But Jedediah I know not.
Vader: (upturns tea table) Enough of this inane prattle. Seize them all!
Darcy: (rises, incensed, and throws down his glove in front of Vader). How dare you, sir! You make a mockery of human decency and manners! I challenge you to a duel, sabers tomorrow at noon!
Vader: (brandishes light saber, annihilates glove, then cleaves Darcy down the middle). You lose. (Elizabeth shrieks, then faints. General pandemonium ensues.)
Pad Thai: Oh, wow. Has anyone seen my Xanax?
(Curtain falls. Pompous John Williams music signals end of play.)